Soup Restaurants Should Be Called Brothels
When I heard the news, I wept. Zoup!, the iconic chain restaurant known for its selection of delicious soups, is undergoing a devastating transformation. By the end of 2024, all remaining Zoup! locations will be converted into “Z!EATS” with an expanded menu that is tragically NOT soup focused. The owners claim this change is due to Gen Z snobs and their desire for more options. But as a Gen Z diner, I feel, in an age where we are constantly bombarded with choices, we need a dedicated place where the focus is solely on the sublime satisfaction of soup.
So I got to thinking. Instead of diversifying the menu, why not take a bold new approach? SEX. It’s time we face the wet, hot truth: soup is sexy. You know it, I know it, and it’s time we stop denying it. Whether a simple broth or hearty stew, soup always fills you up, it’s thick and creamy, and you have to blow it because it's hot. That’s why I propose we rebrand all Zoup! restaurants to “Brothel!” (or “Brothel-Z!” if they want to maintain the iconic “Z!” in the name). This rebranding could be just what the dwindling soup industry needs to survive.
After all, sex sells. This new take could be the viagra that the soup industry needs to get their flaccid sales back up. The marketing writes itself—taglines like “Indulge in our wettest specials” or “Come get steamy with us tonight” or “Put your dick through the cheese layer of a French onion soup” would practically guarantee lines out the door. Imagine you’re driving down the highway and you see a billboard with a bowl of potato leek that has a pair of huge, shapely knockers. Sure you might get in a car crash, but what’s better than a nice warm bowl of soup after a hard day?
Plus, think of the decor! Plush seating, dim lighting, and restraints for customers to wear so the employees can shovel hot liquid into their little mouths. There could even be a VIP room where the manager drips soup onto a patron’s naked back. Think of it, you enjoy your soup, and someone could bend you over and flog you with a baguette - that’s what this Gen Z writer wants from a restaurant.
Some might say this approach is unorthodox, but I think it's the sole way we can save the soup restaurant. By embracing the sensuality of soup, we can create a niche that celebrates its rich, comforting allure while capturing the attention of an audience that craves excitement and novelty. Brothel-Z! could become a destination that not only satisfies hunger but also carnal desire. So, readers, come “spoon with me” at Brothel-Z! And be sure to check out my next article, “Why We Should Turn All TGI Friday’s into a Ketamine Spa.”
