What’s Her Secret? Woman Moans Every Time She Puts in a Tampon

(JOHNSON CITY, TN)

Local native Jeni (yes with an “I,” you arrogant fucks) says she’s finally found it: the T spot.

“I think it’s where the plastic applicator of the tampon hits my IUD. I mean yeah, it’s pleasurable, yeah. I’m not above getting turned on by a hygiene product.”

Asked if she sees this as a movement, Jeni (yes, it’s with an “I,” you callous freaks) replied in the affirmative.

“This is more than just a woman getting her socks rocked by a super plus. This is fifth wave feminism. This is big, this is a story, you know? People need to know about this. That sex is good but tampons are better: and don’t get me started on cotton.

We chose not to get Jeni (Christ almighty— well, look at that. Now you’ve made me take the Lord’s name in vain. Isn’t that just a treat. Jesus Christ.) started on cotton. But that didn’t mean she was done talking.

“Viva la revolucioné, you know? Once you turn twenty, your tampons should function as dildos. I keep one in me at all times. I’ve only gone into toxic shock 6 times, most mild, one rabidly intense. I thought I saw God, she was very angry at me. ‘WHO DARETH UNCLOTH THE BREAKING WHEEL OF THINE SALVATION, THINE SUSTENANCE AND MILK?’ I think it might have been an Angel because it was covered in eyeballs but they all had crusties in them. It changed my name from Rebecca to Jeni, yes with an “i,” and said I was sort of a 21st century Sarai. Yeah, that’s a reversal of Genesis 17:15, that’s what I told the Angel. But it spit on me fire so warm I thought I lived inside my own blood. So maybe I’m a prophet. I dunno. I’m selling tampons out of my car now at a cheaper rate than CVS. So let me know if you’re interested.”