A Virgin’s Guide To Cards Against Humanity
Scenario: It’s game night with your friends! For some god forsaken reason, your hedonistic peers have decided to play Cards Against Humanity. Immediately, panic sets in. You are a woman of God! And what’s more, you are waiting chastely for marriage. But you don’t want your friends to know that! Your brow wrinkles in confusion. “Tentacle porn?” “Smegma?” “The female orgasm?” You’ve never heard of any of these but your friends are ready to play. Just follow these simple rules and you’ll fly under the radar just enough to not be asked “Wait, are you a VIRGIN?”
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
If you are looking down at your cards and thinking, “Gee, I don’t even know what this is. I should ask my friends!” FULL STOP. Never ask your friends what a card means. Doing this will put a big sharpie “V” on your forehead a la Rocky Horror. Everyone will know you are a virgin. Everyone will laugh. They’ll call you a baby. They’ll ask if you want your ba ba and blankie. Instead of asking what the card means, ask your friends questions that will make them emotionally vulnerable. Ask if Sarah knows that her boyfriend is cheating on her with her best friend. Ask Rachel if she’s ever noticed that her face isn’t symmetrical. Ask Tyler if he feels responsible for his parents’ divorce. This will take the pressure off you and prove that you actually know a whole lot.
Deny, Defend, Depose
If, somehow, your peers still accuse you of being volcano fodder, deny, deny, deny. Laugh it off as though it couldn’t be possible. Tell them you’ve had 4 sexual partners. Or that you’ve seen all of Sex and the City and you are definitely a Carrie.
If they still don’t let up, defend. In this situation, fewer words do the trick. You can retort with “Wouldn’t you like to know” or “Actually, Christine, I fuck. Heavy.” or even the classic “your mom would say otherwise.”
As a last ditch resort, depose. Force the group to move on to the next judge because you “have places to be” like bible study or the gentleman’s club. Make a public stand that your accuser is making you uncomfortable and should be removed from the game entirely.
Have Sex
Once you have sex, the universe’s mysteries will open up to you and everything in your life will be better forever. You’ll immediately know what every card means. You’ll be funnier and prettier. Your skin will clear and you will get better at math. What God, your future husband, and Pastor Rick don’t know can’t hurt them, and you are a woman in charge of your own sexuality.
If you stick to these rules, your life will be perfect and cringe-free forever and you will never die! What’s more, you will never have to be open and honest with the people who support you the most. Stay tuned for our next installment: “A Virgin’s Guide to Uno.”