Generational Stealth: How To Hide Your Family’s Fortune To Make Friends In College

Growing up rich? Wonderful. The clothes, the schools, the smug sense of self-satisfaction, the high-quality orthodontics. But as with everything else in this world, women will always find a way to ruin it. See, when you go to college you learn that the hottest women, the ones who would look best on your arm with Great Grandmama’s pearls dripping off her neck, the really bangable babes - they’re all feckless socialists. To blend in with these Coupon Carlies, you’ll have to go stealth with your wealth and embrace poverty core.

Never ever reveal what your parents do.

Or rather, use this as an opportunity to express your creativity. Your mother organizes galas for charitable organizations? She’s a cater-waiter. A whore on the side, if the electric bill is due. Your father owns a few thousand grocery stores? Struggling local businessman. Owns a farmers market. Maybe in debt to a local mob boss. These embellishments hide your net worth and give you a claim to Trauma. You can cheat on a woman in front of her and just tell her you’re poly. If she yells at you, she’s actually oppressive and upholding white heteronormative monogamy.

Park your Porsche at the park around the corner.

We would never advocate for something so lowly as taking a taxi, or god forbid, a bus. Still, the cretins you’re cultivating must believe you struggle. Ditch your luxury car around the corner. You can even do a few jumping jacks to build up that working man’s sweat, show that you walked. You are one of the People.

Only venmo request people .40c for the bite they took out of your apple.

Don’t mention that the apple was actually $10 and organic, you’re being charitable, it’s good to give back a little. They wouldn’t know luxury if it punched them in the face in hermes velvet gloves. Honestly, it would be a waste of good gloves.

Everything you own is ‘Thrifted’.

Luxury is acceptable only if it is second hand. Tell everyone your designer velvet coat was $3 in Goodwill. The steal of a lifetime. You have taste beyond measure. Brag about how cheap things are, but remember, adjust your definition of cheap to that of the Common Man. This brings us to our next point.

Don’t turn your nose up at the $12 vinegar they call Sauvignon Blanc.

Partake with relish, this is part of their culture. Let them use their sweaty paws to drop in discount ice, trust me, you want to dilute the taste. Most importantly, have fun with it. Enjoy your cultural rumspringa slumming it with the middle class. And remember, you can always go home.