Post-Apocalypse Purse Haul! Fight for Your Life, Fashionably!
Under the current political administration, citizens find it harder than ever to live slayfully. Self-expression is losing meaning daily as Americans everywhere wake up with fewer rights than the night before. “It’s like how am I supposed to dress gay when I’m stressed about the potential overturn of gay marriage”, says a concerned and gay Chicagoan, “What if wearing chunky platform docs slows me down when shit hits the fan?” There is one style staple that serves in both peacetime and wartime. A good purse has gotten people out of many sticky situations. After speaking to a few brave, gay survivors of extreme fashion emergencies, we’ve developed a top-five supply list for the perfect purse to help you survive physically and fashionably.
#5: A Flint and Steel
While many associate flint and steel with roughing it outdoors, it’s one of the cuntiest survival items you can have on hand. Setting fires has been a trend that dates back to caveman times. Not only will you have a new never-going-out-of-style staple, but you’ll also be able to cook food and stay warm.
#4: Chapstick
We are all always searching for chapstick. You’re probably rifling around for a tube right now reading this. The fall of society will be no exception.
#3: A Pronoun Pin
Just because America as we know it is collapsing, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve respect. How would your mind stay sharp if you were dealing with misgendering on top of everything else? “Hey girl, watch out, Elon is right behind you!” Broke.. “Hey they/them, watch out, Elon is right behind you!” Woke!=
#2: Condoms
So there’s one obvious advantage to carrying a survival condom, people are horny no matter the political climate. However, this item has more benefits than freely letting you pound. You can transport water. You could cook stew in it. They could even make a good foot covering in a pinch, even if you’re waaay too big for condoms ;) The options are truly endless!
#1: A Gun
Duh :)
Whether you’re facing American military forces or Overlord Anna Wintour, you can feel secure knowing you’ll evade being clocked with these items packed in a little purse. Good luck out there you fashion-forward freedom fighters!