Goodbye Social Media, Hello Town Criers!!

Experts provide a solution to the fall of modern-day communication

Between billionaires buying apps and American politicians hell-bent to send the population into a fascist hellscape, young people are clamoring to find new ways to connect. Modern civilization as we know it hangs in the balance.

How are we supposed to make others jealous of our lives? Where are we supposed to find people that share our interests? With the loss of reliable social media, is there anything left to live for? Yes!!

Researchers have collaborated and found answers to our modern-day questions by looking to the past. Very few people know this, but people did have ways to communicate with each other before social media. The earliest form of historic mass sharing was known as “a town crier”. Simply defined, it was a citizen who was elected to serve their community by sharing everyone’s shit with everyone else.

Burned your rosemary fig brie sourdough boule? The town crier knows. He’s pissed. And he made evvvveryone in the town think you’re a little weakling boy. “Little shrimpy boy with no spine botches the rosemary fig brie sourdough boule,” he cries.

Want to get validation on your most recent selfie? The town crier will hold it up on a piece of parchment for all the world to see. But what about Facetune? Don’t worry. Every town crier is portrait painting certified and they would never capture your bad angle.

Want to advertise your divorce party? The town crier can make it the talk of the city and he’s ready to put in his application when you're ready for a new sidepiece. “Are you looking for hot MILFS in your area wanting no-strings-attached fun? Too bad, she’s mine!” Twitter could never!

Best of all, the town crier will never spread fake news because it is against the town crier code for them to do so. Any false words could earn them time in the stocks or a trip to the city’s guillotine, so all information seen and heard is 100% reliable.

In light of these new conclusions, the UN has declared a state of emergency and expedited the appointment of all town criers still active to various cities nationwide.

Hark! Fear not, for the town criers doth arrive to deliver the noble folk of America from the dire plight of utter communication collapse!