12 Ways I Would Debase Myself To Get a Table at My Local Cafe

It’s official–I hate Q1. I have a report due for my boss that I’ve been pretending to work on during my remote work days and haven’t touched once. I’m screwed. You wouldn’t believe the things I would do right now just to get a spot at the horrifically crowded cafe nearby, where I could sit and work on it. Here they are:

Bribe.

I don’t even have cash. Fuck. How would that even work?

Begging while standing up.

I’m not gonna get down on my hands and knees to beg. It’s just that this floor doesn’t look that clean. I’m sorry, that’s not a diss on the baristas, I’m sure they work very hard. Ugh, why am I such an asshole? But fuck, I really need to get this report done. I will beg, I will plead, and I’m not gonna pretend I’m above that.

Hula Hoop?

Oh god, I’m so anxious right now. I ordered my cappuccino in a mug for-here, what was I thinking? What am I gonna do, drink it standing up? I can’t even swing my hips to keep a hula hoop up. I’ve never been able to hula hoop. Not once. Who am I kidding? I’m getting fired. 

Twerking upside down on the wall.

Shoot, yeah, I guess I would do this. I honestly haven’t even ever tried, but fine, yeah, let me get in there.

Fellatio (aka oral).

I mean, enough said. I would hope if it comes to this I can get a table by an outlet. My laptop obviously doesn’t work if it’s not plugged in, so I need a plug and I’ll do oral sex on a penis to get it. 

Over-the-clothes hand stuff.

I swear, I’m just so much more productive when I’m at a cafe. I don’t know why, but this is where I need to be if I want to have any hope of finishing this report. 

Having sex with someone.

Again, enough said. 

Begging on hands and knees.

Okay FINE! PLEASE, I need to be on my laptop and go on my phone a little bit too. I PROMISE I won’t spend the whole time playing the dinosaur jumping game on google chrome and then leave when I have to pee (because I don’t have the courage to ask someone to watch my stuff). This time will be different.

Fellatio on hands and knees.

I don’t even see how logistically this would be possible, body-position wise. I’m definitely going to break my ankle again trying to get this to work, but let’s go, cram it in there oral style. I need this table.

Cook you dinner.

Oh god, this one’s embarrassing. Yeah, my apartment fucking sucks, my kitchen is so small. All I know how to make is pasta and steak. I’ve tried to make other stuff, but it never works out. I’m an idiot and I could never be, like, a wife or homemaker or whatever, and that’s why I’m so stressed about keeping this stupid job. Just trust me, let’s stick to pasta or steak. 

Like, uhh, I don’t know, some type of sex themed board game, like naked twister or something?

Jeez, this one seems like it’d fucking suck. I hate games… damn, maybe if I liked games I would have a more supportive attitude and I wouldn’t be such a fucking drag on my team at work. Whatever, they can just fire me. Fuck this job, I’ll take the severance package at this point. No, no, no, I need my job. What am I talking about?! Look at me, throwing everything away again just when I’m starting to get my life together. I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I just do the report on my remote days like I said I was going to? Eh, why lie? I don’t work on anything when I’m in the office either. The Office… I love that show. Yeah, I’m definitely gonna watch that when I get home. Woah, woah, woah, WAIT– Are you kidding me?! Am I really deciding what SHOW I’m gonna watch later? Oh my god…

69.

Yes, I would easily do this to get a seat at my local cafe.