The U.S. Political Parties Explained to Adults Who Own a Vape
Readers, consider the following statements and if they resonate with you:
“Can I hit that?”
“I’m not into politics or any of that shit.”
“Can you turn off CNN… and can I hit that?”
If you or a loved one over the age of 25 have ever uttered any of these phrases, no need to fret. I am fluent in the chill-adult language of “Vapeglish,” and I’m happy to be your tutor for any political inquiries you may have. So, turn back on CNN for some white noise, grab your Geek Bar, and let’s get to work.
The founding fathers of this country didn’t work their asses off to create a government in the United States for you to sit on your ass and hit that nic! Oh, you feel like you’re being scolded? I’m sorry, let’s reel you back in:
Okay, now that I’ve grabbed your attention, back to politics! Reader, let’s create a scenario to better understand the parties in government…
It’s a glorious Tuesday in your hometown, and you're on your lunch break at the coffee shop in which you’re employed. You walk over to the smoke emporium in which you frequent. Lucky you because your favorite employee, Kai, a twenty-year-old he/they white guy is there greeting you with a cheesy grin. He has two silver crowns on his front molars, a huge Rick and Morty portal tattoo is glistening on his oily skin, and his rainbow gauges make you question whether he’s a homosexual or a teen-father. They are the face of the company (to the 50+ moms who are reading this, I am not saying you are putting your full trust and income into. In the world of politics, Kai is the United States government. Kai begins to grab your usual purchase, but you stop him and let him know that you want to keep your options open as the independent American that you are. He then pulls out a variety of vapes: a disposable Geek Bar, a non-nicotine Elf Bar, one of those ones that look kind of like a flamethrower, and then, to throw you off, a classic pack of cigarettes. You examine these nicotine devices in front of you, and because you’re no fool, you know which ones to avoid because:
They’re not popular.
It looks fucking embarrassing to fucking hold one of those fuckers. FUCK!
The third-party vape community is not for you.
In politics, dear vaper, the flamethrower vapes are considered the Green party, and classic cigarettes are Libertarian. This is not where you want to be! As your nerves take over and you desperately want to abort the mission. You take a look at Kai, the U.S. government, and say, “These do not have my vote!”
You’re left with two options: the disposable Geek Bar and the non-nicotine Elf Bar. Now, both are inevitably going to continue supporting Israel–I mean ruin your lungs in the long run, but the two devices have their own benefits. The Geek Bar is easy, simple, and can be thrown in your back pocket as easily as a handgun! However, they don’t have a constant battery that can be recharged, therefore making it disposable, and will literally ruin the planet. The Elf Bar on the other hand, while certainly not perfect, is chic, comes in every color imaginable, and isn’t addictive because it’s essential oil bullshit. It’s suuuper gay, but chances are, if you’re thinking about purchasing one, you might be too! It too ruins the planet, but if you’re less likely to be addicted, you won’t be using that many of them. If you haven’t caught on, purchasing the Geek Bar from Kai would mean voting republican, and the Elf would be voting democrat.
So, reader, now that you’ve learned about the values that each political party represents, which vape are you going to pocket from Kai? In the context of U.S. politics, who are you casting your vote on? Democrat? Geek Bar? Quick! Your lunch break is almost over! The polls are closing! Oh? Huh? Can you speak up a little louder for me? Right. Okay… You’re going to go to a marijuana dispensary instead? Oh, that’s an allegory for you’re moving to Canada? Yeah… that’s cool. I heard they have free healthcare anyway.