Who is Counting The Spiders I Swallow in my Sleep Each Year?
We have all heard tell that humans, on average, swallow 8 spiders a year. Don’t get me wrong, 8 spiders is the sexiest amount of spiders that could be in my mouth. Like I turn over to my partner in bed and say, babe I’m web. And he says “You’re wet?” and I say no I’m web and I open my mouth to reveal intricate silk weaved from tooth to tooth. Now I don’t have a boyfriend. This isn’t about that, although if Peter Parker is available, I have spider sucking experience! Call me Madame Web because I suck.
So, how did this study come about? Who was first concerned with the amount of spiders we ingest unconsciously or consciously? Did spiders propose this research, as like, a sort of census, but for spiders? And is this where that mouth taping trend is coming from? I thought it was for snoring, and a;; the skin care girlies say it's so you don’t “mouth breathe” and lose your jaw line. Yeah, sure. As if I had one to begin with. BTW, Skin care girlies are the exact type who wouldn’t swallow spiders– too much protein. Although, these are the same people who put snail mucin on their face, so maybe swallowing spiders isn’t too out of pocket for them. I’m not putting my tin foil hat on just yet, but it is currently sitting next to my mouth tape on my nightstand.
We still have yet to answer the question of WHO is counting the spiders. How much do they get paid for their job? Are they putting spiders on us and seeing how many we catch, or do the spiders come on their own? And why are they letting us swallow so many, when we are oblivious to it. Call your representatives people. Furthermore, are the spiders paid? Do they get healthcare benefits? What kind of coverage are we talking, like all 8 legs? Or just the pincers? Or is this more so a kamikaze job for the glory of dying for your people. Are they promised 72 virgins? Is that offensive to ask? Moving on!
My working theory? Nature. In fact, there is a spider called the black widow that eats her partner after they mate. You go girl! Not sure why her being black is important. Like, they don’t call me the white pervert. Also, I think I need to be fact checked that might just be grasshoppers who eat their partners after they mate. You go girl! Regardless, I think that the black widow is simply too full of male spiders, so instead of her eating them, she sends them to us. A real classic female manipulator, cause now we are the bad guy and not her. You go girl!